Edward Billig

I have covered the following post because I don't particularly want anyone to read it, but I want to be able to read it. There is probably a fancy way to do this, but I am not particularly clever and so this is all I could come up with. So ignore this! Thank you :)

Two years ago today. That is when we lost him. I still spend every day thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him. A girl at work mentioned that her boyfriend is a Tottenham season ticket holder and I immediately wanted to tell her that he was. 'Was' still sounds so weird. So far I've managed to successfully avoid seeing his friends, who always make me miss him even more and make me more aware that there is someone missing.

Mainly I am still filled with regret about it all. How much I let him down. How I should have been there. I remember vividly the days leading up to the 20th. Friday night spent txting each other silly anagrams of Ryan Seacrest's name. Planning to see him on Saturday for his birthday drinks.

I spent Saturday baking him a sudoku birthday cake. After I had finished it, I thought it wasn't good enough. It looked crap and I thought he wouldn't be impressed. I had been knitting Edd a duck as a birthday present, but it wasn't finished. I txted him to say I wasn't coming for drinks but would meet him in the week for the football. He tried to convince me to come out. I remember a txt saying 'but I've put fresh sheets on!' (he knew I loved the smell in his flat when he put fresh sheet on). But I said no. He replied simply 'Thanks', and that's the last we spoke. I sent him a message on Facebook on his birthday, but I have no idea if he read it or not.

I can't help but feel that things would have been different if I had gone. If I had been there, he wouldn't have gone to the gym. On his birthday. Two years on and I still can't help but feel like I've completely let him down. I wish he was still here so much and I regret being such a crap friend.

People always say it gets better with time. It has been two years. I will never stop hurting or missing him daily. I still love him so much and regret all the times I said no to him more than anything.

It hurts me when I want to look back at things we've done together and we have no photographs of us. We do have a few odd photographs that mean nothing to anyone else, but mean a lot to us. Well, here's one picture that brings back some lovely memories of time well spent.

Edward Billig, I will love you forever.